Hola mis amigos y mis amigas! Estan locos? Are your lights on, but nobody’s home? If so, you may have COVID-19 Loony Tunes Personality Disorder (Ell-Tee-Pee-Dee). To determine if you have this tres chic personality disorder, you must review the questions below, designed by the top minds at Ye Olde Penitentiary for Loose Women, Peoria, IL.
If you don’t, I will take a moment to run out into the street, naked, screaming “kiss me buckteeth, my tonsils itch!”
The questionnaire is gender-neutral and responses are strictly confidential. Our experts will review them and post them on Instagram. They will then contact you to discuss a mental health plan customized to fit your profile. For example, they may determine you have Ell-Tee-Pee-Dee with a co-morbid diagnosis of un peu d’apitoiement sur soi (a little dash of self-pity).
Personality Disorder Self-Help Plan
If you have Ell-Tee-Pee-Dee, you must institute our self-help plan ASAP. It will immediately get people to feel sorry for you. And then do things for you. Having people pity and serve you are the two best, and funnest, ways to cure Ell-Tee-Pee-Dee.
1. Master the art of lip quivering.
2. Learn how to cry on demand.
3. Shuffle your feet as you walk.
4. Sigh as frequently as possible.
5. In between sighing, moan quietly but loudly enough for your significant other/animal friend/neighbor, dry cleaner, etc., to hear you.
6. Wear ill-fitting clothing.
YOUR FUTURE IS IN OUR HANDS.
How to Score: If you answer “yes” to one or more questions BELOW, you must definitely likely have Ell-Tee-Pee-Dee. But don’t worry! You’re in good company.
Begin Questionnaire
When somebody tells you to “rise and shine,” do you silently tell them to go f#&k themselves?
Are you convinced that the only person who loves you unconditionally is your dog? And he’s not a person?
Is your dream vacation a two-week stay in a locked ward and your only concerns are meals, making your bed, and taking part in supervised social activities with your fellow loonies?
Does Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star raise such cosmic questions as, “why am I here?” “What is my purpose in life?” “Why doesn’t superglue stick to the inside of the tube?”
When somebody else screws up, do you feel guilty? (If you answer “yes,” this also means you’re Jewish.)
Do you sit on the basement floor or your front stoop stroking the 168 bottles of water you bought just in case, in addition to the pandemic, there’s a drought?
When you see one of those close-up pictures of the virus, do you hear voices?
Do you sleep with a teddy bear, bottle of Sheep Dog Peanut Butter Whiskey and/or lollipop?
Do you stand across the street from your neighbors screaming, “Talk to me! Please talk to me! I am begging you. Please talk to me”?
Have you cut your own hair in the past 10 months and think you did a better job than your stylist?
END OF QUESTIONNAIRE. WE WILL PRAY FOR YOU.
For more information about mental health in America, click on this link.
