As an educator for the past 20 years, working in classrooms and homes, I’ve learned a lot about how to engage with a child. I’d like to pass some ideas along to those of you who are parents, grandparents, caregivers, aunties, uncles, or friends of kids. It is my hope that you find these five tips for playing with your child useful and fun!
Some things to think about first. Your job as a child’s play partner is to interact – not entertain, unless, of course, you’re putting on a puppet show or birthday party. That being said, when you interact with a robust emotional affect – expressing joy, surprise, drama, silliness – you will heighten the excitement and more quickly pull your child into engagement.
And now, five things every adult should know about play. {Note: this is not an age-by-age guide to playing with your kid. It is a guide to new thinking about playing with your kid.}
Tip #1: Follow and Expand
The foundation for successful play is the adult’s willingness to follow the child’s interests, to gently challenge the child to explore new ideas, and then partner in creating a logical sequence of ideas that creates a narrative. To do this, you will have to leave your agenda behind about the play and be in the moment as the kid presents it to you.
If possible, base your play on the floor so that you are eyeball-to-eyeball with the child. In this way, you become equals although, of course, you are always the authoritative adult. You’re just not hovering anxiously around or standing over the child like Voldemort and His Death Eaters.
Another important strategy is to “go for the gleam” in your child’s eyes. That look of excitement and aliveness when the kid realizes you get them, you really get them, and that you’re going to have fun. Keep looking for that gleam as it signals the kid’s engagement with you. And, if you want to really go all in, find your own inner gleam (your inner child?) and let your eyes light up as well! {Note: if you need a break, introduce your child to musician and songwriter Laurie Berkner. Click here for a link to one of her most delightful songs.
Tip #2: Get Into Character
Children love pretend play, whether it is about Frozen or superheroes, baking a cake in a toy kitchen, building a Magna Tiles castle for the evil king, or enacting caregiving scenarios with baby dolls. When I work with parents on effective play strategies, one of the first things I notice is that they tend to stand back and comment on the storyline, but don’t actually become part of it.
I encourage adults to become one of the characters in the enacted scenario, giving voice to a baby doll, a Thomas train, Paw Patrol characters, and, most deliciously, the bad guy. In addition to speaking as the character, give it actions and feelings: have a cat figurine jump onto a mountain of dangerous rocks (wooden blocks) and become frightened, meowing with all its might. And then see if your kid will bring Paw Patrol to the rescue!
Tip #3: Ask Questions & Wonder
Ever heard the phrase “good job”? LOL, that’s a joke! Of course you did. In fact, you’ve probably used it with your child about a million times. Now I’m going to let you in on a closely guarded secret: “good job” is over. Ya know why? Because it’s absolutely useless. Think about it for just a moment. What does that woebegone little phrase mean to the child?
At best it means you approve of their work. At worst, it means you haven’t the time or interest to explore your kid’s ideas. Chances are that when you automatically say, “good job,” any hope of a rich interaction with the child will just wither up and die on the vine. OK, OK, I exaggerate, but you get the point.
So if your child builds a castle with Magna Tiles, instead of responding with good job,” you can say stuff like, “wow! Tell me about your work.” Or “you worked really hard on this. What were your ideas?” For younger kids, you could try, “that is a big, big castle! Ooohhh, what’s this?” Or “who lives in the castle? Where do they sleep?”
Here’s another dead-end I’d like you to think about: over-asking kids “yes” and “no” questions. Try thinking in terms of open-ended or “wonder” statements that stimulate new thinking, new play scenarios, and new ways to use familiar toys and materials.
For example, let’s say you and your youngster are going to do an art project – maybe a Valentine’s Day card for someone. Before jumping in, try asking, “Hmmm…I wonder if we should use just crayons or crayons and markers. What do you think?” “I wonder if we want to put on some stickers first or wait until we draw. What’s your idea?” With younger kids, start with something like “Hmmm…I wonder what we should do first.”
Once again, the point is to create a continuous flow of back-and-forth interactions consisting of logically connected sequenced ideas shared between you and the child.
Time for a Break
And now let’s take a break from thinking about five tips for playing with your child. Get up and stretch, have a sip of vino, as appropriate, do a few pushups, wash the dishes, or watch this really funny video.
Tip #4: Read Non-Verbal Cues
Humans communicate nonverbally all the time, using gestures, facial expressions, behaviors, and postures to convey feelings, level of comfort, and other states of being. So, as you’re playing with your child, try to be mindful of what they’re telling you without actually speaking.
For example, if the kid has turned away from you, what are they saying? Are they tired, overwhelmed, or bored? Don’t take this personally, but do take a moment to observe this non-verbal communication and offer some gentle inquiries, including a few “I wonder…” statements. Kids don’t always use their words. Sometimes it’s all about emotional affect and body language.
Tip #5: Stash Your Phone
There, I’ve said it and I refuse to back down. Turn off your phone or leave it in another room, one far, far away so you can’t hear its notifications. “Why am I TELLING you this?” you ask. “I’m TELLING you this because multi-tasking when you’re playing with a child doesn’t work.” Yup, that’s right. When you are distracted by your phone during play time, how can you possibly be focused on following and expanding upon your child’s interests and ideas?
{Note: this is not a rhetorical question and the answer is, “you can’t.”} The idea is that you are willing to set aside 15 minutes once or twice a day to focus on being mindful of your child, without distractions, annoyances, or other hindrances of daily life.
A Brief Reminder In Closing
Kids love to have their interests and passions validated by grownups and appreciate it when they are taken seriously. This means treating everything — yes, I said “everything” — the child does as purposeful and finding a way to be curious about their intent. {Note: This does not mean approving of everything, as when a kid refuses to clean up. It means understanding that every behavior has a purpose, which must be discovered in a thoughtful, collaborative way.}
When you enter your kid’s world with an open heart and mind, while putting away (most of) your grownup-ness, you both will have a blast. Guaranteed.
And now for a super-special treat, the unforgettable “is this real life” video featuring David after his dentist visit.
Oh, and thank you for reading “five tips for playing with your child!”
Featured photo by Kindel Media on Pexels
Read this during a break from excursions on my river cruise. As always, your writing is so engaging! The information will be so useful as I interact with my granddaughter who is 18 months today! I would like to share this with her parents.
Very happy that the information will be useful to you! You and your granddaughter are going to have a lot of fun!
Thank you so much for this amazing overview of play with children. I really appreciate it and will put to use today : )
Let us know if there are any other child development articles you might be interested in reading. And thank you!