The world is eerily and catastrophically quiet. I sit at my desk, sipping coffee from the Fungulicious Ointment mug my husband stole from Stamford Hospital. Staring at the cheery little bug-eyed creature with clawed toenails painted on the mug, I think, “Oh. It’s a toe fungus. There’s a fungus among us!” At that very moment, was I thinking about pandemic survival tips?
Yes! We are in a viral pandemic and I am trapped in an endless day off. A staycation on steroids. “I gotta get a plan.” “I gotta get organized. “ I think, ”Girl Scout pledge!” Quick! Think: pandemic survival tips!
{Ancient history disclosure: My friend Carmela and I were expelled from the Girl Scouts because we refused to make bean bags. Guilty as charged, your honor.}
Let’s Roll with the Pandemic Survival Tips!
Pandemic survival tip #1: Make multiple pledges just to cover all the bases. “I will rise to the occasion.” “I will improve body, mind and spirit.” “I will embrace adversity.” I put my plan into action ASAP and it went great!
Pandemic survival tip #2: Find a cute kid and make their day. Case in point: One morning, after a leisurely brunch, I positioned myself in the red rocker on our front porch and waited for one of those cute little nuclear families to pass by. When I finally spotted one, I jumped up screaming, “I’m a teacher and I have no students! Please stop and talk to me!” I could see the parents trying to figure me out. “Has she always been a desperate lunatic or is she an early casualty of shelter-in-place?”
Then I began to make funny faces and farting sounds. Their little boy, dressed head to toe in a Santa Claus costume and pushing a Spider-Man lawnmower, took a moment to figure out where the weird yet enticing sounds were coming from. Once our mind-meld was complete, I pulled out all the stops: Itsy, Bitsy Spider…Twinkle, Twinkle…You name it; I did it.
Sweet little Santa and I were soon exhausted, drained by the emotional bond forged so quickly between us. I stepped back into the shadows of the porch, ready for my fifth glass of water, just in case drinking endless amounts really did cure COVID-19 and Big Pharma didn’t want us to know it.
Bernie Sanders would be proud.
Is This Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood?
Pandemic survival tip #3: Get to know your neighbors. Now listen up. Our next-door neighbor’s parents work for a paper company in Maryland. (Do not share this information with anyone.) It was a miracle! Her parents made weekly trips to visit, hauling huge cartons of paper towels and toilet paper out of their SUV. I have always been friendly to this young woman, as any good neighbor would be, but I decided to launch a stealth campaign to earn her pity in case my husband and I ran low on Brawny and Cottonelle.
So when I heard her rattling around outside, I casually mentioned that my husband and I have no children to care for us, only two useless cats who spend their days waiting for their next meal. For Fluffypuss and Peekaboo, living in a day off that’s endless is their definition of paradise.
Pandemic survival tip #4: Find something to re-gift. So, pressing my face against the window screen, I shouted, “I have a beautiful metal wall hanging with a peacock motif that would look stunning in your home. Would you like it?”
{Embarrassing revelation: we received it with a nick in it so the company sent us another one and this one was gathering dust in the basement.} But I truly did believe that a wall hanging with a nick is better than no wall hanging at all. She was thrilled! I called to my husband, “Donnee! You know that thing with the long handle you keep downstairs? It’s got a wig hanging from the end of it? You use it sometimes when you’re cleaning?”
“You mean the mop?”
“Whatever! Just bring it!”
When I got the thing, I pushed it through an opening in the wall hanging so it dangled from the end of the handle. I opened the door, shoved the handle out, the young woman, delighted with my gift, swept her new art piece off, and carted it away.
Score 10 points for self-preservation!
You would make a wonderful neighbor. Eccentric (borderline caetoonishly whacky) and your cat looks like it balances the outgoingness with sass and silent, sarcastic stares.
I’ll say this again….you will make a WONDERFUL neighbor, and I mean it
Being a good neighbor has become especially important since COVID. And, if I get too whacko around the neighborhood, Fluffypuss & Peekabook remind me to take it down a notch.