I am fascinated by tantrums. More specifically, I am fascinated by how a normal rite of passage, albeit one that drives little kids off their rockers, can attract glaringly different perspectives. As an educator and coach, my goal is to help parents try a collaborative and positive approach to toddler tantrums.
Most tantrums occur between ages one to four when youngsters seek to test their autonomy amidst the joys, frustrations, and mysteries of life. They want to explore and do as they please and get what they want. And, sometimes, when they can’t, life seems extremely unfair. Hence — a tantrum!
If parents can keep their cool and understand tantrums as a developmental phase, these explosions can be terrific bonding moments for you and your child.
THREE IMPORTANT ITEMS! First, advice here must be tailored to your child’s developmental age. Second, toddlers understand way more than you think they do. Third, before going further, read my authoritative parenting post by clicking here.
And now for some fun…
Your Child is a Manipulative Monster…Whaat??
Your child is hungry and MUST EAT NOW!!! “But,” you say, “It’s not time to eat.” “WAAAA!!!” Your child spots some Halloween candy and MUST HAVE A PIECE NOW!!! “I’m sorry,” you say, “but we’re about to have dinner.” “I HATE YOU!!!” It’s after school and your child MUST WATCH PAW PATROL NOW!!! because, if they don’t, they will NEVER EVER get to watch it!!! “You can watch it tomorrow after school,” you say. “YOU’RE A BAD MOMMY!!!”
At the height of a tantrum your child is incapable of logic, reason, and engagement. They are at their worst, unable to control their emotions or their bodies. The world is coming to an end as thoughts and feelings bump around inside their developing brains, crashing into each other like billiard balls on a pool table. Ouch!
It is amid this chaos that your child will rely on you to stay calm, patient, and able to talk them down from the high emotional ledge on which they find themselves, usually flat on their back and kicking.
But many parents follow what I strongly believe to be misguided advice. “Ignore your child until they calm down.” “If you pay attention to them, they’ll end up being bratty little monsters who rule your life.” “If you don’t ignore them, they walk all over you.” And my personal favorite: “your kid’s just trying to manipulate you.”
NEWS FLASH!!! When you think in terms of “manipulation,” you assign a malign objective to your child that skews your view of what’s happening. Your child is the victimizer and you are the victim.
Plus, thinking of your child as manipulative can attach an abnormal twist to their behavior. Remember, in most situations, tantrums are part of normal early development.
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Ignoring a Child’s Tantrum is a Bad Idea
Ignoring tantrums, or punishing a child for having one, can negatively impact their future behavior, ability to engage in social problem solving, and acceptance of family rules and values. Most troubling, if you ignore your child’s tantrums, leaving them to succumb to their madness alone, your behavior sends this message: “You’re on your own, kid, because I won’t help you.”
Take a moment now, please, and imagine that you’re very upset about something awful that just happened. You may be crying, feeling helpless and frustrated, and in need of comfort. But then your beloved partner goes cold and quiet and leaves the room.
You’ve been left alone by someone who’s supposed to love and support you. How would this experience affect your relationship with this person?
When a parent – as a strategy for managing tantrums – doesn’t validate their child’s distress, that child may struggle to experience trust, connection, and security. Their tantrums may continue or increase in intensity, leading to further distress and heightened frustration in both you and your child.
Finally, when you ignore your child’s tantrums without addressing their underlying needs, you are not getting to the root cause of the problem. You learn nothing and neither does your child. And that’s just not okay.
Now it’s time for another funny video!
A Positive Approach to Toddler Tantrums
When responding positively to tantrums you are creating a safe space in which your child can express their feelings without fear of punishment. You are establishing a foundation of trust and understanding between the two of you and your empathy, validation, and guidance will help your child recognize, understand, and manage their emotions.
A positive approach to your toddler’s tantrums opens an opportunity for teaching problem-solving skills. For example, you two could identify their triggers and come up with ideas for resolving future conflicts.
It is important to note that responding positively to tantrums does not mean ignoring inappropriate behavior or letting your child have their way. Positive responses are not passive responses. Using this approach, you are actively teaching your child healthier ways to cope and interact with their world.
Here are some thoughts that will inspire your empathy. “My child is a good child having a very hard time.” “I don’t have to agree with my child’s feelings to allow them.” “My child isn’t trying to give me a hard time.” “I love my child and they love me.”
Remember, toddlers are impulsive and intense and think in black-and-white. “Mommy’s mean to me. Mommy’s always mean to me.” “Daddy never lets me eat cookies. Just broccoli.”
Summary of Key Features of Tantrums
1. your child is at their absolute worst because they are out of control,
2. basically, your child is going crazy,
3. they are unreasonable, illogical, and totally committed to their POV,
4. your child may say, “I hate you,” but they only hate you now,
5. you may hate your child, but you only hate them now,
6. tantrums are frightening to you and your child,
7. they can escalate into no-win power struggles, and
8. solving the problem at the height of the tantrum is impossible.
Tips for Handling Tantrums
1. your job is to help your child regulate huge, scary feelings,
2. stay calm, reassuring, and steady,
3. maintain your authoritative parenting approach,
4. stay with your child throughout the tantrum,
5. remove nearby objects and put a pillow under their head,
6. narrate why your child is upset (“you are angry because you want a cookie NOW”),
7. restate the rule the child is upset about (“first your sandwich and then a cookie”),
8. comfort them (“mommy/daddy/grandma is here, darling”),
9. when the storm is over, talk about what happened, and
10. problem solve a mutually satisfying solution to avoid future conflict.
Now for our final funny video…
The Same Brief Commercial…
Need advice on being an authoritative parent or want to learn more about a positive approach to toddler tantrums? I’m here for you! Get in touch by clicking here on this link. We’ll have a free thirty-minute consultation and take it from there!
