Dearly beloved, thank you for inviting Me to speak at today’s services. It is an honor that warms Me to the deepest depths of My soul – that is, if I had one. LOL! Indeed, being with you today reminds Me of the time I went to a North Korean strip club with that sweet little chubby dictator. Yeah, baby, we spent the evening drinking Kimchi Gibson cocktails and telling dirty Bernie Sanders jokes. But, My little flock with modest incomes and an average age of 57, I digresseth. It behooves Me to light your fire with a terrible swift sword of inspirational New Year’s thoughts. Glory hallelujah!!!
Looking Backward to Go Forward
Now that we are starting a new year, let us not dwell on fame, fortune, and Jeffrey Epstein – yeah, there are good people on both sides! — or forget those that came behind us. Such as like the typewriter, TV antennas, and Pee Wee Herman (RIP). Wow, I’m tearing up. Ahem…
Yes, the past requires us to look with awesomeness upon such golden times as the 50’s when our beloved country was defined by peace, prosperity, and white bread to which we must pay homage, which, unlike Fromage, isn’t French at all.
Let us, then, take a moment or less to bow our heads and think of that lovely white bread, soft, pliable, tender to the touch. BTW, if you’re rich and famous like Me you can have as much white bread as you want! Amen, brothers!
Which brings Me full circle to food. FOOD MEANS LOVE! Such as when you eat the pork of the pig you are loved – certainly not by Porky and not by Hebrew National – but by Oscar Meyer and only the very best chemical plants who you know, deep in your kishkes, have your best interests at heart. Let us open our hearts to dear, dead Porky who gave his/her/their life to satisfy the taste buds of bloodthirsty carnivores from coast to coast and then somewhat.
A Brief Word From Above
And now, My faithful flock, I must confess. I have sinned! You see, oh, excuse me for a moment. I’m getting a text from the Alrighty Almighty. “Dear Jerry, you forgot that you were supposed to share inspirational New Year’s thoughts with your flocklings. Ya know, the ones about the election, blah, blah, blah.”
Alrighty Almighty, you are da bomb. But, as much as I love You, I love Myself more. And I know you’ll agree, My dear munchkins, that elections are merely frivolous irrelevancies. Remember, as good ol’ Mark Twain once said, “If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.”
Apocalypse Now or As Soon As Possible
Irregardlessly, My fellow toilets in the fields, it is time to rise up because terrible crime is seeping into our sinks, polluting our water, and sucking people’s faces into their drains, causing an oral hygiene crisis not seen in 100 years.
I must also remind you of those Wall Street executives sticking cocaine up their arses so they can stuff their attaché cases with illegally obtained, top secret recipes for Big Macs and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which they declassified in their minds.
Xenophones, male chauvinist cowpokes, and racial spigots, let’s not forget the insidious Deep State conspiracy by low-paid, multicultural lunch ladies in hairnets to induce an allergy epidemic in posh private schools by crushing tree nuts into student lunches.
Meanwhile faithless, sex-obsessed college professors are sending gangs of zombies to rampage across the archipelago, pilfering garbage bins and local dumps for tin foil, Friskies cans, and rubber hoses to be utilized for nefarious and stinky purposes. Heavens!
We just cannot have that kind of carnage at our doorsteps. So I swear to you, My brethren, that this bloodbath stops right here. Apocalypse now!
Rise Up and Let ‘Er Rip
Together we will rise up and drain the swamps of Americana, filtering out the insidious little creatures with bandanas and banjos who don’t belong on the golf courses of our beautiful country. We will create one nation, under Me, indivisible, with libbidy bibbidy and mercy for all those who contribute to the cause. We accept cash, check, and PayPal.
We will be one pulsing orgasm wearing sheepskin, horns, and tutus. A righteous army of moral rectitude and maidenhood fighting public transportation, public schools, plus-size fashion, and self-righteous do-it-your-selfers who have Etsy accounts. Americans in cities near and close, small and little, from mountain to fountain, from igloo to iceberg, heareth My words. Apocalypse now!
America First, Second, Fourth and Sixth
From this day forward, it’s America first, second, fourth and sixth. How will we do this, my little petunias? On day first, should you sanctify My coronation, we will erase all borders so there will be a giant rumpus from north to south, from sideways to forwards, whereupon white men over 50 from small towns will battle to the death and beyond those determined to destroy the Americanistic way of life.
On day second, I will sign an executive order mandating the total and complete shutdown of Chihuahuas coming into the Americas and that poor little piece of real estate up north that calls itself a country.
On the very same day, juiced up by Diet Pepsi and Oreos, I will sign another executive order mandating the total and complete shutdown of Tik Tok because millions of those damned little dancing people bought tickets to my last sermon in Ebola-infected Babatootooland and never showed up, making me look like a total looser on X, formerly known as something else.
On day fourth, I will rewrite the Constitution, ridding us all of that whole separation of church and state thing. Yeah, it never really worked out for Me and there was never any money in it. And you know how much I love MONEY! MONEY! MONEEEEE!!! Praise the Lord!
On day sixth, Ikea will build a great room divider along the southern border, wherever that may be, and Babatootooland will pay for it. Then I will lose total and complete interest and spend My time drinking Margaritas and playing ping pong with My extremely hot son-in-law, Adonis Bentley, the most devout and holy man I know except, of course, for Myself.
Closing Inspirational New Year’s Thoughts
Now, dear friends, I call upon you to forsaketh all others, put My likeness – especially that awesome mugshot that everyone loves — on t-shirts and baseball caps, send money to My illegal campaign fund, and ask yourself: “what do you have to lose?” After all, there’s always someone worse.
And, remember, no matter how guilty I am, I’m still innocent!
In closing, I hope with all My heart, wizened by years of cheating, backstabbing, and shooting people on Fifth Avenue, that these inspirational New Year’s thoughts inspire you to take up the cause and lay it on the line for our country, at your own expense.
Yes! Yes! Rest assured, My people, I feel your righteous anger. It gives wings to My soul. That is, of course, if I had one. Apocalypse now!
Featured illustration by NickyPe on Pixabay
Pure genius, and extremely funny too! Another hit by Amy!
I love this blog. Inventive and so much fun. A roller coaster of digs at all those who deserve it. I thanks!
I hope you can write more blogs like this after Nov. 2034!
I love writing political satire and am so happy you enjoyed this story! Pay it forward!