Okay, everyone! Thanksgiving is over and done with. It’s now time to SPEND MONEY. Yay! Can’t wait! So excited! Why not? We have it. Lotsa, lotsa money! Yup, like well-trained hamsters, we’ll spend a billion gazillion dollars doing online shopping, making Jeff Bezos one happy little chipmunk and all-time Master of the University.
And why not? We love Jeffie Peffie Weffie and his spaceship that looks like, well, you know what it looks like. No? Ok, then. Just imagine a yodeling pickle, except vertical and not green, and you’ll get the idea.
But, hey! Wait a minute! SLOW DOWN. Haven’t you heard? There’s a supply chain virus crisis worming its way into ports from Los Angeles to the Panama Canal to Nambibia, and from the Island of Sarcastic Fringehead to Bayonne, NJ, the garden spot of the nation, to Lambeau Field, home to the Packers and Mr. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire Aaron Rodgers.
So you know, of course, what this means. Even if you did online shopping THREE YEARS AGO, you and your loved ones will NEVER. EVER. get anything ever again. Let me be perfectly clear: receiving your online shopping things is just not a thing anymore.
Plus, everything costs 100 times more than last year. For example, gas was $1.99/gallon, regular, no lead, just a tad touch of applesauce. Today, gas is $300/gallon. And you know what this is called? INFLATABILITY! So, tell me, what the heck’s the point of buying anything when YOU. CAN’T. AFFORD. IT?
Well, whatcha gonna do? Call Ghostbusters? Nope. This is what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna bust out some super-duper, snappy-dappy holiday hacks, as follows.
HACK #1: BE HAPPY EVEN IF YOU DON’T GET A PRESENT
Yes, the secret of holiday success is to be happy even if you don’t get the present you want – or any present, for that matter. And to take good care of yourself, of course. But, if you need a little help getting happy, just tune in to these videos. Smiles guaranteed, free shipping, and no wait time.
HACK #2: NO ONLINE SHOPPING: GO TO CVS
Yup, get your holiday stuff at CVS, but you must do so in person. No online shopping! If you shop online, I will know it and I will come over and tickle your jelly belly until you have to go pee-pee in the paté. Anyhoocheecoochee, CVS always has great sales (e.g., BOGO) and you literally get a million coupons even if you just buy one toothpick. Here’s proof:
{Super hack alert: call CVS customer service at (800) 746-7287 and request/insist/beg for “30% off entire purchase” coupons. It’s easy. Just stay rational – no bad words or cliches such as like, “You’ve done so well for someone with your education level.” In other words, make the call when you’re sober. And do not, whatever you do, pour your heart out ‘cause your military-style, mirrored, metal aviator sunglasses are stuck in the Suez Canal for the foreseeable future. Frankly, they’re better off in the Suez Canal ‘cause it’s very sunny there.}
HACK #3: RE-GIFTING IS THE ULTIMATE INFLATION BEATER
Before we go any further, first things first. When I asked Google, “is re-gifting rude?” this is what she said. “Re-gifting is wrong. It’s inconsiderate, and it takes the thought out of giving. Most people take great care in choosing the perfect gift for their friends and family members—or at least they should. Presents are meant to be cherished, but re-gifters treat them as just stuff to get rid of.” Wow! Bummer! I feel so small. So Scroogey. So wrinkled. So flabby. Etcetera.
But, hey, my little wee ones, just ignore Google! You know why? Because, if you get a present you don’t like, doesn’t it make sense to dump it into the lap of some other sucker? Why should you be stuck with it? Also, everybody does it so it’s OK. Plus, the National Association of Re-Gifting Smartypants recognizes this practice as a form of recycling. And, frankly, my busy bumble bees, everybody knows what a mess our planet’s in.
So, simply search your house, local dump, apartment, vehicle, she-shack, or man cave for what we call in Re-Gifting Land “the usual suspects.” This includes furniture, clothing, especially socks, and appliances, such as toaster ovens and Mix Masters. But, you may ask, “are there things I shouldn’t re-gift?” Yes, of course! Never re-gift M&Ms, used contact lenses, bibs, and potty seats. Everything else is fair game. Sincerely, yours, Me.
EXAMPLE #1: budget-brand liquors are perfect re-gifts for anyone who knows nothing about booze.
EXAMPLE #2: what’s nice about these socks is that they match.
EXAMPLE #3: why should YOU have to clean it?
HACK # 4: STAY HOME. LEARN A LANGUAGE!
That’s right: stay home! DO. NOT.GO. ANYWHERE. Listen to me! There is no point in leaving your neighborhood, driving to an airport, standing in line for four hours, having someone’s baby throw up on your sneakers, hearing your flight is cancelled, sleeping on the floor of the airport, finally getting on the plane, and having an unruly passenger, with a martini in his hand, shout “Freedom” while trying to open a window to get some fresh air. That’s right, folks! DO. NOT.GO. ANYWHERE. Instead, learn another language!
Let’s face it, mis amigos y amigas, what with the supply chain crisis, inflatability, and the ensuing pointlessness of online shopping, isn’t this the perfect time to learn a new language? I recommend Español. It’s easy, fun and useful. And there’s no better time to learn Español than the holidays when you’re not getting any gifts and really can’t afford to give them because a gallon of milk now costs $387, up from $300 just two minutes ago. Por ejemplo, si viven en un sitio donde las personas hablan el Español, vayan a las tiendas. Hablan al dueña de una tienda. Si? Es muy facil.
If German’s more your thing, here’s an educational video that will give you a real-world feel for this beautiful romance language. Viel Spaß und viel Spaß mit dem Video und Frohe Weihnachten!!!
And if, by some miracle, it turns out that, during your holiday studies, you discover you have a gift for language, consider learning six more and becoming an interpretation.
“Merry Christmas” in 10 languages
French: Joyeux Noël
German: Frohe Weinachten
Spanish: Feliz Navidad
Italian: Buon Natale
Portuguese: Feliz Natal
Dutch: Vrolijk kerstfeest
Romanian: Crăciun fericit
Polish: Wesołych świąt Bożego Narodzenia
Swedish: God Jul
Czech: Veselé Vánoce
“Happy Hanukkah” in 10 languages
Albanian: Gezuar Hanukkah
Basque: Zoriontsu Hanukkah
Croatian: Sretan Hanukkah
Danish: Glad Hanukkah
Welsh: Hanukkah Happy
Turkmen: Hanukka gutly bolsun
Spanish: Ffeliz Jánuca
French: Bon Hanukkah
Frisian: Lokkige Hanukkah
English: Happy Chanukah
“Happy Kwanzaa” in 10 languages
French: Joyeux Kwanzaa
Portuguese: Kwanzaa feliz
Spanish: Felix Kwanzaa
German: Happy Kwanzaa
Welsh: Kwanzaa hapus
Italian: Felice Kwanzaa
Latin: Beautus Kwanzaa
Haitian Creole: Ala bon sa bon Kwanzaa Vietnamese:
Dutch: Gelukkig Kwanzaa
Swahili: Heri ya Kwanzaa
Loved the post. The videos of the house lights and the translation lady were an added bonus.
The translation lady video has been a big hit. And it proves the saying, “if you are truly dedicated to doing so, you can get away with anything!”
Amy, honey, regarding the artichoke dip….tell the truth, is this kinda what happens to Don when you cook? Do the cats run away, too?
If I cook red meat in the house, Josh runs around turning the vents on, opening windows, closing off the kitchen, and burning candles…..the only thing he doesn’t do, is put a mask on! I promise, I’m not burning anything: he’s just sensitive to red meat anything.
Happy Hanukkah ❤️
My Donnee loves my cooking. And ya know why? Cause I never cook! The perfect solution for both of us!
What a fun read!! I love it! I avoid amazon AMAP because I don’t want Jeffy to get my money!!
Hi, CoffeeandaCar! Thank you for reading the story. I hope you got a lot of useful holiday hack info from it!