This is an idiotic story about personal growth that also delivers cheap tips on mindfulness and self-reflection. But, if you really pay attention, you’ll find upon further scrutiny that these words are rooted in something stunningly real and gloriously fake. In other words, you get two for the price of one.
Here’s my premise: the Internet is saturated with people blabbing about self-care, the purpose of life, and why it’s better to be the tortoise than the hare. Because when you’re the hare, you don’t stop and smell the roses. And, so, even if you lose the race and never get any cash out of the deal, you, AKA the tortoise, win symbolically.
Because while you’re running, you notice some stunning red roses and smell ’em. But, unbeknownst to you, they have thorns. And then you have to go to the ER for an antibiotic IV so you won’t die. But…at least you smelled.
Oh, wait! Did I mention websites? Yes, sir, websites by the tens are devoting themselves to positivity and serenity at an astonishing pace. It’s outa control, people. {Note to anyone behind the curve: If you don’t know what mindfulness is by now, just click on this blue link.}
Alright, now let me ask you this, “Do you want to be a wise and enlightened person? Yes or no?” “How much does it cost?” you ask. “It’s free! And you don’t even have to think about it.” “No thinking?” “Nope! I’m giving away the best advice you’ll ever get on personal growth and, at no extra charge, you’ll end up feeling even more inadequate than you do now. ALL. IN. ONE. PLACE. And it’s a five-minute read!”
“By three methods we may learn wisdom: first, by reflection, but always use sunblock; second, by imitation, but don’t be a ventriloquist; and third by experience which usually sucks.”
Confusing, cousin-once-removed of Confucius
Self-Reflection Upon Your Objects
Let us begin. Look back upon your life and immediately practice mindfulness about the objects, past, present, and future, that have meant the most to you. Go deep in your self-reflection. No, not in the mirror! Search your soul for the innate truthiness of these objects. Dig up your personal growth from the Garden of Eden of Life. Oooommmmm…Did any one object change your life? Put you on the right path? Speak to your desire for more and more objects? Were any broken in shipping?
{Interesting socio-economic sidenote: A Rice University study found that practicing reflection and mindfulness about one’s recently used personal belongings helps reduce the desire to buy impulsively. In other words, “Reflect more, save more.”}
Self-Reflecting on objects — example #1: my electric pencil sharpener. Having held onto it for 40 years, this antiquated symbol of office drone productivity symbolized my nearly total lack of work/life boundaries. Whenever I used it, which was basically never, I did so with a serene acceptance of life that quieted my thoughts and gave surcease to my pain.
Until that awful, awful day, when, without my knowledge or consent, my Donnee drove it over to the dump where there’s a little house that invites you to leave things and take things. Yup, behind my back and without a pre-nup, my Donnee abandoned my electric pencil sharper to Ebay sleuths looking for a quick ‘n dirty bit of chump change.
I will never forgive my Donnee for his breach of the marriage covenant, which clearly states, “never touch my stuff, let alone give it away, throw it away, or otherwise disrespect it.” My Donnee did NOT exhibit mindfulness of my needs. Nor did he read my mind. Ha! Reflect on that, suckers!
Mindfulness of Teddy Bears
Self-Reflecting on objects — example #2: Bearie Manilow, the bear I sleep with, including on vacations. Bearie was given to me by my relatives way before I got married to you-know-who. Numbering in the 100s, these aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etcetera, absolutely knew that I would never ever get married. Feeling sorry for my failure to follow convention and tether myself to a total stranger, they chipped in and bought me a bear to sleep with.
{Existential question: why a bear?}
You see, they were trying to be mindful of my sad situation as a woman whose entire life has been spent working at multiple exciting careers; going to the ballet and Broadway shows; giving parties; and earning at least two master’s degrees.
But the thing about bears, and especially Bearie Manilow, is that, once you sleep with it, you just can’t stop. It’s like your personal growth has stopped in its tracks. Mired in the mind of yesteryear when bears really meant something. I could not resist Bearie with his furry body, bendable legs, kissable toe beans, and plump little happy hands. I became one with the bear in a way that can only be described as pathetic and pitiable. But chockful of mindfulness!
And now I ask myself, “Self, looking back with 20/40 hindsight, should I have slept with the electric pencil sharpener instead?”
Warning: Sensitive Content
Self-Reflecting on objects — example #3: my bra from 2005. This is a little bit complicated, but I’ll do my best to be clear. Seventeen years ago, I was working for a social services agency as a special educator. One afternoon, as I was loitering in the office waiting for something to happen, the head of the occupational therapy team came over to me and said, “Amy, you need a new bra.”
Eyeballing my bloated boobies, which, before my weight gain, had been lovely little nibs the size of ping pong balls, she added, “when your boobies droop, that’s the sign you need to hang ‘em high.” Fearful that my employment was in jeopardy, I rushed over to Bloomingdale’s on my lunch hour and purchased an expensive brassiere, which, to this day, I’ve worn three times.
{Note: I am currently planning my revenge on this woman who had the audacity to stare at my boobies on company time. #MeToo!!!!}
Imitation + the Animal Kingdom
Now, as we further explore personal growth, I want you to look around at your life with wonderment. Do you see anyone whom you’d like to imitate? “Like who?” you may ask. “Well, such as like Skippy the Squirrel whose front teeth never stop growing and who pretends to bury a nut to throw off potential thieves.” Yes, squirrels are wise.
{Squirrel fact: gray squirrels are masters at finding their buried nuts. Thanks to their wonderful sense of smell, they usually recover around 80 % of their buried nuts! Yup, it’s all about nuts. Nuts! Nuts! Nuts! And now, my friends, let’s take a moment to listen in on a confidential squirrel-on-squirrel convo and see what we can learn.}
Skippy: “Hey, Dick, I heard you buried your nuts in the hole in Amy’s backyard. How’s that workin’ out for you?”
Dick: “Well, Skippy, it’s workin’ out just awesome. Ya know, she’s single. I’m single. We’ve been gettin’ it together on hot summer nights in Memphis. Then we’re gonna do acorn tricks on America’s Got Talent.”
Skippy: “Amy’s married. And you’re nuts.”
Dick: “Hey, kid, ‘Nuts’ is my middle name.”
Experience + Marriage = Wisdom
Life is the best teacher. The next best teacher is marriage. Because, when you’re married, you must be honest, humble, and vulnerable. Open to thoughtful feedback from your spouse. Aware that marriage, like life, is not black and white, but shrouded by the impenetrable fog that once upon a time rose sweetly above the murky bog in Merry Olde England in Days of Yore.
Normally I don’t divulge the contents of conversations with my Donnee, but I would like to share a talk we had after Hurricane Isaias. I think it beautifully demonstrates the idea that “experience usually sucks.” After all, we are talkin’ about personal growth.
Dateline: 08/04/2020: SOS…SOS…SOS… Hurricane Isaias is coming! 14th in row. Huge! On frontline of battle. Trying to remain calm. Very difficult. Last straw. Going down like Titanic. May Day! May Day! Apocalypse now! Write soon…
Yeah, Isaias was a tuff mutha. {Exciting announcement: If you can pronounce “Isaias,” I’ll email you a 100% off CVS coupon where you can buy anything your little heart desires. Just send me your social security number, a copy of your driver’s license, front and back, and your COVID vax card.}
As usual, I digresseth.
But before I tell you what happened after Isaias, let me offer you this quote.
“Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darkness of other people. Plus, you can get dressed up as Mitch McConnell on Halloween and scare the beejeezus out of little kids.” –
Carl Jung, YouTube therapy quack
Confidential Marital Convo
Gingerly stepping outside after Hurricane Isaias had finished wiping our neighborhood off the map, there we were, left to pick up the pieces from its devastation. Tree trunks, branches, twigs, twiglets, piglets, and Chiclets. Piles and piles of this stuff everywhere. And who had to pick up the piles? Fluffypuss? Noooo. Peekaboo? Noooo. That man I’m married to? Noooo! I did! Just because my name’s on the mortgage. La de da.
Oh, excuse me for just a moment. My Donnee’s calling me.
Me: “What?”
Donnee: “Since when do you pick up twigs? Let alone tree trunks. You never even pick up your socks.”
Me: “I pick up my socks. Every other Wednesday night. When I shower.”
Donnee: “The truth is that I do all the yard work and you just stand there and supervise.”
Me: “The truth? You can’t handle the truth. Besides, being a supervisor is a difficult and thankless task, thank you very much. It’s like being an animal keeper in the zoo except instead of elephants and gorillas you have office workers.”
Donnee: “Are you comparing me to an animal in the zoo? Or, worse yet, an office worker?”
Me: “Yes. Besides, you always say being married to me is like being married to a patient in a state-run mental institution except you don’t have to wear a uniform and there’s better food.”
Donnee: “I never said that. What I said is that being married to you is heaven on earth. Unending bliss. Rapturous happiness. Now pardon me while I flee the scene.” (Sounds of running and screaming)
In Conclusion…
No offense but being your spiritual guide has been absolutely draining. Your needs have sucked the energy right out of me and now my exhausted body lies on the side of the road where Skippy and Dick will sup on my life force. Nuts! Nuts! Nuts!
But, as the irritating professional I am, it behooves me to offer you this final free personal growth bonus:
“Thou must not dwelleth on thou’s faults and shortcomings. Instead, thou must blameth the cat.” Buddha’s brother, Barry “the bar fly” Baxter
Featured image at top of story by Placidplace from Pixapay
I feel that I have already grown personally …and for free. 😎
I’m glad that you’ve already grown personally. And for free. But did you grow enough?
This was so much fun to read. Chuckled throughout. Yet, poignant. Love ya sweetie.
Yes, the story is supposed to be both funny and tender. Perhaps even a bit bittersweet? Thank you for reading and commenting!
Amy, this part of your covenant also applies to another Greenberg I know “never touch my stuff, let alone give it away, throw it away…”
It’s amazing how he hasn’t seen or *thought* about certain things for many-many years, yet won’t throw it out! And I’m not talking sentimental stuff.
Let’s say, he doesn’t always need to know what gets donated. I’m more discreet than Donnee.. 🙂
xoxo
I think my Donnee had been discreet until I realized I hadn’t seen the pencil sharpener in a while. So I got suspicious and learned the awful truth.
This is hilarious Amy. I never knew about the bears.
You so wisely summed it up on how older generation feels about relationships….you can’t be complete without it…..”they were trying to be mindful of my sad situation as a woman whose entire life has been spent working at multiple exciting careers; going to the ballet and Broadway shows; giving parties; and earning at least two master’s degrees.”
And lastly, it will always be the question….the bear or the pencil sharpener. Tough call. LOL
I think I’d rather sleep with my Donnee! Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
i love my sharpener… it makes a wonderful sound and has alot of dust on it… and a pile of wood & graphite chips around it… and the little drawer wont open cuz i havent emptied it since the 90’s… but its a great tool, and pencils still thrill me.
I’m so glad to hear from a pencil sharpener kindred spirit. There aren’t many of us left.
The best pencil sharpeners were the manual ones in my dad and grand dad’s workshop. They were permanently affixed to a wood post and you’d have to manually “crank” it. There was something special about seeing it there versus in school next to the window or the board. Who knew pencil sharpeners could be so nostaligic!
So funny, Amy! I love your digressions best of all!
Wow! You’re the first person ever to compliment my digressions! We’re thrilled! Thank you for reading & commenting.
#1. Please forgive Donnee. He’s a good person.
#2. You’re too old to be sleeping with stuffed animals.
#3. Wear camisoles instead of bras. So much more freedom.
Loved the story!
#1. I always forgive my Donnee because I love him unconditionally sometimes. #2. You’re never too old to sleep with a stuffed animal. #3. Much needed advice. Thanks!