Life has a way of delivering a teachable, and unexpected, moment right to our doorstep (in this story, the doorstep is an airplane). One of those moments happened to me when I was flying home from a four-day trip to Paradise, my brother’s home in the Florida Keys. It was a small but powerful illustration of what child development experts call secure attachment in toddlerhood.
A Brief Look at Attachment Theory
Before I share my story, I’d like to explain the concept. Secure attachment is a process that begins in infancy within a circle of loving back-and-forth interactions with caregivers.
As the child consistently experiences these back-and-forths, they form a bond (attachment) with their special adults founded in the sense that relationships are stable, nurturing, and safe.
The infant knows instinctively, and then consciously, that they are loved and valued. And, no matter what unfolds, they have a safe haven awaiting them within the circle of reliable and loving grownups.
“Attachment is the deep, abiding confidence a baby has in the availability and responsiveness of the caregiver.” Dr. Alan Sroufe, an internationally recognized expert on early attachment relationships and emotional development
Children who begin their lives with the essential foundation of secure attachment fare better in all aspects of functioning as they grow. Securely attached youngsters exhibit healthy self-esteem, independence and resilience, self-regulation, stable relationships, empathy and compassion, and higher academic achievement than peers reared by emotionally distant adults.
Secure Attachment in Toddlerhood
And now for my story. I was comfortably settled into my aisle seat on Delta, reliving the many beautiful moments I spent with my brother and his lovely partner. After an hour or so, needing to stretch my legs, I walked to the back of the cabin and saw a toddler, about sixteen months old, struggling to get down from his mother’s lap. Drawn to this cutie pie, so eager to go exploring, I offered to walk him up and down the aisle.
Within seconds, mom put her son, Ryan, down and, smiling, said, “have fun!” And BOOM! Ryan was off to the races, free at last to engage with a world of curiosities tucked inside our plane.
As Ryan toddled down the aisle, I noticed he didn’t turn to look at his mother. What he did do was to occasionally stop and look up at me as if asking for permission to continue. With my smiling encouragement, Ryan continued his up-and-down-the-aisle adventure.
As an early childhood educator, I was both delighted to be in Ryan’s company and aware that I was seeing secure attachment in action. Why did this adorable child put himself in the care of a stranger in a strange situation? Because he knew there was a trusted adult, his mother, waiting to welcome him back with the reassuring responsiveness that underlies healthy attachment.
Let’s Break For a Video
Back To Our Securely Attached Toddler
Ryan’s sense of safety, based in maternal warmth and affection, not only allowed him to venture forth, but also allowed him to temporarily transfer his attachment to me, a surrogate appointed by his trusted “other.” I became Ryan’s temporary emotional reference point.
Toddlers who exhibit secure attachment are amazing explorers and so was Ryan. Not only did he want to explore, he wanted to interact with and even change the environment. Charmed by how Ryan smiled and chatted with his fellow passengers, I watched him examine toys abandoned in the aisle, reach for newspapers, crackers, and books on pull-down trays, and even try to clamber onto an empty seat to play with a little girl.
Steadily advancing toward the curtained-off first-class cabin, with me as his faithful follower and companion, Ryan stopped to examine the new barrier. He touched and tugged it, felt its softness, and then decisively pulled the curtain aside, proudly marching into first class.
Ryan’s entry into the sphere of the upper class was hilarious and certainly surprising to its inhabitants. Giving him a moment to see and be seen, I then took his hand and, with no flight attendant nearby, grabbed several Godiva chocolates and walked Ryan back to economy. His chatting continued and I truly felt like we were friends.
Ryan Returns to His Safe Haven
“We’re only as needy as our unmet needs.” John Bowlby, British psychiatrist and the pioneer of attachment theory.
When I returned Ryan to his mother’s lap, he immediately snuggled against her and accepted milk. An active adventurer who chose to leave his mother’s side, he trusted me as a companion in his mother’s absence and, when reunited with her, was delighted to see her.
Children who start life and continue with lovingly attuned caregivers joyfully explore their world secure in the knowledge they have a secure person waiting for them to come back. When solidified within the child’s mental perception of the world, the attachment bonding process becomes the foundation of a world view that allows them to blossom.
