Those of us tasked with worrying about everything (89.7% of whom are female) now worry about the relationship between our brains and a pandemic lifestyle akin to that of a vegetable. The question, then, is: does COVID research reveal a neuron wipeout virus side effect?
But, first, my little worriers, let’s start with a very true fact. The brain is a muscle we must exercise to avoid a disconcerting return to drooling, diapers, and mashed bananas. Another gospel truth (“give me that old-time religion, it’s good enough for me!”) is that muscles atrophy from lack of use. “Uze it or looze it, baby,” says Arnoldo Einstein Schwarzenegghead Von Shvitzkop, international expert on astrophysics, sweating, barbells and wiener schnitzel.
What?! The brain is not a muscle any more than a penis is a muscle? Alert the media! The penis is an organ. Like a Wurlitzer. The more you stroke its keys, the happier it is. The brain, too, is an organ, but stroking it can only be done by a medical examiner, funeral home director, or serial killer.
{On deep background: oursources doing COVID research tell us the pandemic is a deep state conspiracy conducted by an international cabal of 11-year-olds paid by TikTok’s Commie handlers to destroy what was left of the American mind.}
COVID Research: A Field Study
Anyhoo, the World Health Organization recently and secretly asked Brazilian president and número uno COVID research expert Jair Bolsonaro to get to the bottom of the matter. Bolsonaro’s impeccable credentials include testing + + + + + + + + + + + for COVID 11 times in a row; never wearing a mask unless he is dressed as Zorro for Halloween; dancing the Fandango with nine women at once; and playfully sneezing into the faces of random constituents.
To capture the data necessary to determine if the human brain on COVID melts like pigeon poop on a hot summer day, Bolsonaro’s thugs – oh, dear, bleep that – I meant aides secretly placed 17 hydroxychloroquine-powered miked-up drones deep into the oaks and maples of ‘Burbia, USA, the land that time forgot.
Bolsonaro entered ‘Burbia riding atop a Sherman tank, wearing a MAGA hat and a t-shirt that said, “My mommy says I don’t have to wear a mask.” What’s left of his brain was connected to a drone, allowing Bolsonaro to eavesdrop on chats among neighbors lurching past one another in the streets. “This is the reality: the virus is here. And there. And over there. Yeah, we have to face it, but face it like a man, damn it, not like a wussywuss. We’ll confront the virus with hydroxychloroquine and ivermectin. They’re lifesavers, baby. Not like those fake vaccines the elitists are pushing, just to make a buck. And let’s face it, we’re all going to die one day anyway.”
Sucking a cherry lollipop and rolling happily along the leafy lanes unwinding before him, Bolsonaro was deeeeeply shocked to discover not one fully functioning brain in the entire batch of ‘Burbanites. “Essas pessoas săo pateticas,” he snarled. “Eles năo săo homens. Eles săo bebes!”
COVID Research: Side Effects Make You La La in Your Noodle
The following is an illicitly released conversation between two ‘Burbian adults, recorded illegally by Bolsonaro’s crackerjack kneecap-breaking drone pilots. It is part of a study titled COVID Side Effects: Watch Out Baby, We’re Comin’ For You!
Subject #1 is tall and elegant. His friends describe him as debonair, witty, and flamboyantly Republican. Known for his taste in expensive cigars, subject #1 is often seen puffing a Cohiba, Fidel Castro’s favorite smoke.
Subject #2, a stunningly beautiful woman, reminds us of who we used to be back in the days of disco and Studio 54. {Hysterical sidenote: disco is like a rave, but with crummier drugs. If you don’t know what Studio 54 is, look it up.} A proud sophisticate, she personifies everything that makes New York, well, New York. Severed from her beloved city like a newborn babe torn from its mother’s breast at the Tex-Mex border, subject #2 has been reduced to hosting backyard soirees with her husband and cats, Fluffypuss and Peekaboo. Subject #1 carries a toy bunny in one hand and his omnipresent Cuban in the other. Subject #2 carries a “Frozen” lunchbox featuring both Anna and Elsa. It may be a Tuesday, but what’s the diff? Most days are pretty much the same, aren’t they?
HIPPA-Violating Transcript: These Folks Are Nuts!
#1: “Hi!”
#2: “Hi! I played in the sprinkler. With my Pooh bear.”
#1: “Yeah? I put rocks in my garbage truck and dumped them on my brother’s head.”
#2: “Cool!”
#1: “I had mac ‘n cheese. So yummy!”
#2: “I drank from the toilet bowl. With my doggie. It was yummy, too. And I ate a spider. ”
#1: “Was it gross?”
#2: “I threw up all over my new Frozen PJs. My mommy was mad. She said it was gross.”
#1: “You barfed. You barfed. Na, na, na,na!”
#2: “Well, ummm. Uuhhh. Bye.”
#1: “Ummm. Uuhhh. Bye.”
BOOM! Mysteriously vivid lightning causes the eyeballs of #1 and #2 to roll wildly in their sockets. Then all is quiet.
#1: “Remind me again. What do you do?”
#2: “I’m a pediatric neurosurgeon. And a concert violinist. I separated the brains of Siamese twins while playing ‘The Moonlight Sonata’. With my eyes closed.”
#1: “I’m the Dean of Harvard Law. And an astrophysicist. I discovered dark anti-matter, which Governor Abbott of Texas just banned due to Democrat neutrons trying to cross the border illegally. Now I’m penning the modern Gaelic masterpiece, Fifty Shades of Peat Bog.”
#1: “I’m on the shortlist for the Nobel Prize in Medicare fraud.”
#2: “I’m on the shortlist for the Pulitzer Prize in plagiarism.”
BOOM! Mysteriously vivid lightning causes the eyeballs of #1 and #2 to roll wildly in their sockets. Then all is quiet.
#1: “Hey! Don’t touch my bunny! She’s taking my bunny! Give me my bunny, poopy face!”
The End of Days? Or The End Game?
THRASHING, SCREAMING, PUNCHING.
THEN QUIET.
SUBJECT #1 LIES ON THE SIDEWALK, THUMB IN HIS MOUTH.
SUBJECT #2 LIES COMFORTABLY ATOP HIM, CUDDLING THE BUNNY.
SOUNDS OF SNORING.
The clock is ticking on COVID research…What will happen next?
Tik Tok…Tik Tok…Tik Tok…
