This is a dead-serious story– a battle of wits, actually — about a seriously funny cat. Featuring a cast of two, it has been nominated for the Pulitzer Prize in drachma.
Setting: ‘Burbian living room. The sun is setting. Romance is in the air. As are mosquitoes, gnats and no-seeums. Our Passing Authority Figure (PAF) is resting from a day spent sucking her thumb and watching Road Runner cartoons. Said funny cat, Peekaboo, is naked except for her scarlet rhinestone-studded collar. She reclines on the shag rug eating bon bons and humming “What’s New Pussycat?” {Cultural reference: Tom Jones is her favorite solo artist.} Our PAF wonders if it’s time to talk to P-Boo about sex with dogs. (They’ve already covered cat-on-rabbit and cat-on-chipmunk sex.)
One Funny Cat & the PAF Who Loves Her
P-Boo: “I want a BB gun.”
PAF: “Why in the world do you want a BB gun? You’re a cat.”
P-Boo: “First of all, I want to take potshots at Fluffypuss. She’s very annoying. Secondly, the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution reads, ‘A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
PAF: “Wow. I didn’t know you could read. Let alone the Constitution!”
P-Boo: “If you’d spend more time in intellectual pursuits rather than just licking your wounds, you wouldn’t be losing so many brain cells.”
PAF: “I don’t lick my wounds. When I get a boo boo, I put on a Paw Patrol band-aid.”
Are Dogs Over-Rated?
P-Boo: “Paw Patrol? Do you have any idea what Paw Patrol is?? It’s a deep-state conspiracy to make dogs –dumb, servile woofers – seem smart and heroic.”
PAF: “Well, dogs are smart and heroic. Look at those dogs that carry Sheep Dog Peanut Butter Whiskey to skiers buried alive under avalanches.”
P-Boo: “Those dogs aren’t heroic. They’ve been brainwashed by far-right fear mongrels to do stupid things just for a freakin’ bowl of Purina dog crap. And speakin’ of crap, why do I have to eat Friskies – 69 dollars per can—“
PAF: “Peekaboo, Friskies is 69 cents per can.”
P-Boo: Stone cold silence accompanied by an icy stare. Our funny cat is not amused.
P-Boo: “Is 69 cents more or less than 69 dollars?”
PAF: “Sweetheart. It’s not about the money. It’s the thought that counts.”
P-Boo: “You know what I think? You’re a helicopter parent watching my every move and all I get to do is stare at your feet. By the way, those sneakers are disgusting. They have bird poop on them. Treat yourself to a new pair. I’ll pay for it.”
PAF: “Oh, my wittle Boo Boo baby, you don’t have any money.”
P-Boo: “How do you know? Did you read my bank statement? Did you? Did you?”
PAF: “Of course not, my itsy bitsy Boo Boo baby.”
THE END…BUT WHOSE END IS IT?
P-Boo: “DO. NOT. CALL. ME. BOO. BOO. BABY. If you do so again, I will download ‘Cats’, the movie that got a 2.7 rating on IMDB, and play it over and over until you scream for mercy.”
PAF: “But sweetheart…”
P-Boo: “And you know what else? I don’t like my name. It’s demeaning and infantilizing. Change it!”
PAF: “What should I call you?”
P-Boo: “Your Royal Highness.”
