“It is the sweet simple things in life which are the real ones after all.” Laura Ingalls Wilder
Hey, there, eaters. Listen up: I have a new recipe! It’s been handed down from my great-great-grandmother to my great-grandmother to my grandmother and to my mother. None of whom I knew (except for my mother and, frankly, in retrospective, I didn’t know her all that well actually. But that’s another story. Filled with ghosts, villains and wicked witches dressed up in polyester and cheap beadery.)
Now, all these ancestors lived somewhere. Such as like El Dorado, Absurdistan, Breakfastan, or Dinglestein. Anyhoopla, it’s because of my ancestors that I’m somewhere here today, revealing to you our family recipe for the ultimate peanut butter and jelly (PB&J) sandwich. Yup, even in Dinglestein, people appreciate the simple things! Such as like snozberry smoothies, hot manchovy toast, doozer sticks, pan-galactic gargle blaster, and, of course, everlasting gobstoppers. Hiccup. Burp. But that’s another story.
Aptly christened Peanut Butter & Jelly Delight, my latest recipe takes its rightful place in the stellar constellation of such previous culinary triumphs as M&M Melange and Chicken Carcass One-Dish Supper with Shrimp Tail Appetizer.
PB & J Delight: Ingredients & Supplies (all simple things!)
• Small plate (clean)
• Butter knife (clean or could have something on it if you’re not particular)
• Glass (for drinking)
• 2 big girl/boy spoons
• Extra Crunchy JIF Peanut Butter, 48 ounce jar, 2 pack, $13.97, as of this moment, but, what with rising inflatability, it’s gonna quadruplicate in the next five minutes.
• 2 slices Nature’s Own Honey Wheat Bread – 20 oz, $2.99/loaf, same price disclaimer as per the above
• Welch’s Strawberry Spread, 20 oz squeeze bottle. (Pack of 12) $68.94) As if anyone can afford to spend $68.94 on a jar of jam.
• And, last, but not least: 1% fat milk so your stomach doesn’t bloat up with all the PB&J you’re gonna stuff into it. Use any brand of milk, but, please, I beg you, DO. NOT. USE. OATMEAL. COCONUT. SILICON. FIBERGLASS or any other milk substitute. Remember the moo cows!!!! And that’s the udder truth!
PB & J Delight: Directions (simple & easy!)
1. Remove two slices of bread from the bag. Seal the bag with a twist tie and hide it under your bed in case of emergencies.
2. Place slices on a cutting board or other flat surface, not including the floor or wall.
3. Open jam. If it’s sealed tight, drop it on the floor and separate the jam from the glass. Sweep glass into one of those things and dump into the garbage.
4. Using a big girl/big boy spoon, scoop out a massive load of jam and drop it onto slice A. Smear it around until reasonably flat and not dribbling over the edges of the bread.
5. Open da JIF.
6. Using the other big girl/big boy spoon, scoop out a massive load uh duf stuff and drop it onto slice B. {As per Simon Cowell,: the peanut butter will stick to the spoon. Use your middle finger to push it off onto the bread. Do Not Take “No” For An Answer. You are duh boss uh duh stuff. Smear it around.} {As per Martha Stewart: the peanut butter should be at least an inch high when measured with a ruler.}
7. Pick up slice B and SLAM it down onto slice A. This will decrease your hostility and increase your appetito. {As per Adele: said jam will ooze outta duh bread.} Remove it with your pinky finger and slowly, carefully, and lovingly lick it off.
8. Using the knife, cut your newly created “Delight” in half, but not in a triangle shape. Doing so results in sandwich castration and/or infantilization, depending on whether you’re a boy, girl or other.
9. Pour milk into glass.
And Now: the Grand Finale
10. Put your PB & J Sandwich Delight on the plate. Reverently transport it, with your glass of milk, to a private place. This is because stroking your Delight behind closed doors increases your sensitivity to the simple things by 229% divided by 7 = 32.714% And that’s not nothin’!
