Those of you who know me know that I am not a domestic goddess. I do not cook. I do not clean. I do not do laundry.
Such activities are for those who find dust bunnies repugnant and those who have company over. We haven’t had company over in 16 months so I’ll let you reach your own conclusions. However, if you do come over, please call ahead so my Donnee can use the dustbuster in advance of your arrival.
With that being said, I do have two recipes. The first one is my M&M Mélange.
Some of you have tried this deeply soul-satisfying dish, created to satiate the sugar yearnings of those whose lives have become overly focused on good health, physical fitness and yoga.
My second recipe, Chicken Carcass One-Dish Supper with Shrimp Cocktail, is an edible homage to conceptual art and to anyone who is “penny wise and pound foolish.” {Note to self: find out what that means and whether it applies to chicken carcasses and shrimp tails.}
But I digress.
The beauty of this extraordinary meal is that you don’t have to buy anything. Since it uses the chicken’s bare-naked carcass and the shrimps’ sweet ‘n crunchy tails, you will, by definition, have the main ingredients on hand. As for “eye candy,” accessorize each dish as you please. I can only make suggestions as I am not the boss of you. Sadly.
Chicken Carcass One-Dish Supper: Ingredients & Supplies
• Chicken carcass (no more than 3 days old)
• Serving platter (clean)
• Parsley (If it’s wilted, that’s OK. No judgments.)
• Whole garlic (By definition, anyone who uses garlic in cooking is well-educated, stylishly dressed and stunning. Like me. Welcome aboard the faboobalous train!)
• Red pepper (Take note of the bite taken out of it. The absence of pepper, symbolized by the bitten piece, represents woman’s futile search for perfection. As in, “bite me, you moron!”)
• Baby carrots (I don’t understand this concept. Aren’t grown-up carrots easier to cut? And you don’t have to change their diapers.)
• Broccoli (Use it before it gets rubbery, slimy & limp.)
Shrimp Cocktail: Ingredients & Supplies
• Small plate (clean)
• 3 smaller plate/holder things (also clean)
• Shrimp tails (I’m aiming for a crunchy mouth feel so it’s fine if you’ve pulled out all the meat.)
• Cocktail sauce (If you’ve used it up, sub with ketchup.)
• Tartar sauce (I find it disgusting, but hey, whatever floats your fishing boat.)
• Olives with pimentos (Don’t they look like eyeballs staring up at you accusingly? As in, “why did you cut my heart out and then stuff me with a red thing?”)
• Bread & Butter pickle chips (ShopRite brand – I’m their new spokesperson)
Chicken Carcass One-Dish Supper: Operations & Maneuvers
1. Scatter parsley artistically around the platter.
2. Place carcass on parsley.
3. Arrange other ingredients around the carcass as if they are bowing down to their goddess, a metaphorical exposé of how wealthy people bow down to artists like Damien Hirst who stuffed a dead shark with formaldehyde and sold it for $12 million smackeroos.
The wealthy buyer of said dead shark, Charles Saatchi, may be a sucker, but he ain’t stupid.
4. Be sure to include intact bones as you will want to chew on them to extract the marrow.
(FYI: If you ordered marrow in an upscale New York eatery, you’d pay through the nose for it.)
Serve the chicken carcass with a Chateau D’Yquem Sauterne, 2015, Bordeaux, France; $1,090.00
Shrimp Cocktail: Operations & Maneuvers
1. Place shrimp tails in an artistic arrangement on the small plate.
2. Arrange olives in one of those little bowlie things. (Feel free to turn the olives over so they’re not staring at you.)
3. Spoon in the cocktail sauce or ketchup into another one of those bowlie things.
4. Spoon in the tartar sauce into yet another of those bowlie things.
5. Garnish with Bread & Butter pickle chips.
Serve the shrimp with Ladoucette Baron de L Pouilly Fume 2017 Sauvignon Blanc from Pouilly-Fume, Loire, France; $144.99
For the “Chicken Carcass One-Dish Supper” you’re missing a few ingredients and you can make this a decent soup!
And Amy, is this your way of saying you don’t do dinner parties?! Between these recipes and non-cleaning, you really need to do a day-in-the-life of Amy (Tiktok).
I luv giving dinner parties. Either my Donnee cooks or we cater it. We also require our guests to bring something. But they luv us anyhoo.