Bickford-Smythe: “Welcome to TEDDY TALKS, first in all things pretentious and elite. Today we launch a new series called Old Testament Giants and Their Scandals — oops, I mean Sandals.
“I am Sir Digby Doyle Bickford-Smythe, descendant of Hagar the Hairy and son of Sir Randy Robert Thistle-Whistle-Bickford-Smythe, knight of the noble order of the garter and crotchless pantyhose.
Now a Word from Our Sponsor
“Kicking off our Old Testament series, dear ladies and gentlegerms, we speak with Moses, God’s bestie homeboy from the hood back in the day. Yes, Moses has risen from the dead just for this exclusive in-studio appearance.
“Hey, Moses! Thanks for joining TEDDY TALKS, sponsored by Carlo’s Cardboard Cutouts, where life-size images are true-to-life stand-ins for dead relatives at Thanksgiving or, better yet, given our next guest, Passover.
“For just a few more shekels, Carlo’s cutouts are programmable to sing Poopers the Magic Penguin, read from the Old Testament, or dance the Hora while singing Hava Nagila.
“Stop in at Carlo’s today and save 20% on his bestselling 100 jocks-in-a-box! Folks, Carlo’s cutouts are so life-like you’ll want to have sex with them and then smoke a cigarette!”
And Now…Here’s Moses! The Ultimate Old Testament Giant!
Moses: “Thank you, dear Sir or Madam. It is a pleasure to schmooze with you in the world of the living, although I have no idea how I got here. Yo, bro! Do you know Sacha Baron Cohen? Great with the Old Testament humor! And, oy, I’d love a goblet of cheap red wine. Might you have Manischewitz on the rocks?”
Bickford-Smythe: “Anything for you, hey, Moses, although I recommend the Chateau de Shtetel circa 1917. It’ll blow your sox off. Speaking of sox reminds me to look at your feet. Ahh…You’re wearing Birkenstocks made from only the finest iguananominous skin. What would you prophesize is the retail value of your vintage metrosexual footwear?”
Moses: “In today’s shekels?”
Bickford-Smythe: “Please.”
Moses: “One.”
Bickford-Smythe: “Alrighty-oh…Uhhh…As it’s rather chilly in the studio, would you care for a pair of wooly sox? One size fits all!”
Moses: “Dear Sir or Madam, do I look like a guy who’d wear sox? With sandals? BTW, God doesn’t allow sox because, if Jesus was OK with cold feet in the manger, so can we-ith be-ith.”
Bickford-Smythe: “Hey, Moses! Did you know Charlton Heston?”
Moses: “Did I know Charlie? What a mensch! He did such a great job playing me in that movie. All those Old Testament special effects! Just like I remembered it! But we digresseth.”
Bickford-Smythe: “Yeseth, we do-ith. Hey, Moses! Call me Digby. Now what is your greatest Ye Olde Testament triumph?”
Moses: “Why are you asking me? Ask God. Oh, he’s away from his desk. Oy…So…It was when God chose me, me, little Moishela from the reeds, to reveal the first to-do list to the Jewish people. God called it the 10 Commandos because the manual had 10 steps. God drilled them into tablets and, OMG, he numbered them!”
Bickford-Smythe: “Hey, Moses! Give us the backstory.”
Moses Reveals a Revelation
Moses: “I was leading my peeps through the Red Sea, which God drained out so they wouldn’t have to wear bathing suits. We were singing You’ll Never Walk Alone, by Richard Rodgers. Jewish! When my Jews passed over to the next place, they ate fig bars, stuffed grapes, and unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
“But I have a bad habit of being holier than thou. So I got very vexed when my Jews started wearing big dangly earrings, humongous pinky rings, and gold chastity belts they bought on the Ramses Shopping Network. Which, I must tell you, is nothing more than a pyramid scheme.
“Then a lotta my Jews started smoking dope, dancing around in golden undies, and having group sex because, ‘hey, if the Egyptians can do it, why can’t we?’
“I was so hot under the toga that I schlepped up Mount Sinai – oy, such a great New York hospital. I stopped by the cafeteria for lox and cream cheese with chives on Levy’s Jewish rye. While I was chewing, God beamed the 10 Commandos into my head.”
Secrets of the Old Testament To-Do List
Bickford-Smythe: “Hey, Moses! This is both a serious and meaningless revelation! After all, everyone thinks God gave you 10 easy dinner party tips. You know, ‘never eat and chew at the same time’. Which begs the question, why in God’s name did God do this?”
Moses: “Why does God do anything? He wanted the Jewish people to be safe from God-awful things. HA!!! When a Jew writes a to-do list, he/she/gender-neutral creates a sticky web around him/her/gender-neutral self. The web traps the bad stuff, like a lint filter, plus it’s invisible so you don’t have to wash it or send it out for dry cleaning.”
Bickford-Smythe: “The web keeps the bad stuff out?”
Moses: “Is Hebrew National kosher? Is the Old Testament old? Yes, it keeps the bad stuff out. The Big Guy saideth that back then. But let’s face it. What did he knoweth?”
Bickford-Smythe: “Is the web worldwide?”
Moses: “How could the web be worldwide? The web is strictly a Jewish thing, but, if a Jewish person marries a Gentile, the Gentile gets a web too. I mean, fair’s fair.”
Bickford-Smythe: “Hey, Moses! Do you have your to-do list with you today?”
Moses: “Is the Pope Catholic? It says, ‘eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, bathe in the river, nap, eat gefilte fish, go to Zoom juggling lesson’.”
Bickford-Smythe: “Why do you always answer a question with a question?”
Moses: “How should I answer?”
Don’t Mess With the Big Guy
Bickford-Smythe: “What would happen if a Jew failed to create a to-do list?”
Moses: “Are you meshuga? Imagine this scenario: instead of creating her to-do list, a mom decides to do a Diet Coke and Mentos science eruption with her kids. To prove she’s as smart, patient, and empathic as little Shlomo’s second-grade physics teacher.”
Mom: “Hey, Shlomo! Get in here and do some science, you little shit, or daddy won’t get you a $79,000 Fisher-Price Power Wheels Jurassic Park Jeep Wrangler for your birthday. And remember, you massive disappointment, Hanukkah can be canceled at a moment’s notice!”
Moses: “Just as everyone is working together as a family, the mom suddenly hears strange noises.”
Mom: “I suddenly hear strange noises!”
Snap! Crackle!! Pop!!!
Moses: “A lightning storm of biblical proportions blasts her ‘Burbian sanctuary to bits!”
Snap! Crackle! Pop!
Boom! Boom!! BOOM!!! Dead Silence. Digby Is Under His Desk.
God: “Now hear this. I am God. Hey, Moses, is this one of your drunken bar mitzvah shticks or did someone named ‘mom’ NOT make a to-do list? By the way, does ‘mom’ stand for ‘mother of Moses’?”
Moses: “No, Godfather. It stands for ‘mommy’.”
Mom: “Oh, God! I am sooo repentant – . CRASH!!! Oy, oy, oy! A humongous tree fell on our new teak deck my children’s father paid a fortune for and now there’s a giant oak where the deck used to be.”
God: “I told you in Hebrew school about to-do lists. You should listen to God.”
Mom: “But, God, I won’t be able to host socially distanced soirees because my guests can’t climb a tree in stilettos, let alone sit on a branch with their bony tushies. They’d fall right off. And, dearest God, you’re a wine drinker – Oh, by the way, I just love your chalices. Where did you get them?”
God: “On sale, six for 300 scheckels at Target.”
Mom: “So you can imagine how hard it will be to sniff and swirl a glass of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 2012 while perched on a tree branch, let alone a plate of pigs-in-a-blanket.”
God: “PIGS? In a BLANKET? You are serving your guests swaddled PIG MEAT???”
The Chosen People
Mom: “Dear God, they’re not pigs, per se. They’re Hebrew National certified-kosher beef franks, each of which answers to a Higher Authority. You.”
God: “Lady, what chutzpah! You have disobeyed God. You did not make a to-do list. Now go sit on a branch. You’re in time out.”
Boom! Boom!! BOOM!!!
Bickford-Smythe (crawling out from under the desk): “Hey, Moses! That was God!”
Moses: “No, Digby, it was a seedless watermelon. Of course it was God.”
Bickford-Smythe: “I didn’t know that God’s so high strung. I mean it’s not like the Jews are his chosen people or anything like that.”
Boom! Boom!! BOOM!!!
God: “Now hear this. I am God! The Jews are my chosen people!! And I am extremely sensitive!!!”
Bickford-Smythe: “Oh, no, not again.” (dives under the desk, but this time calls out questions, intrepid reporter that he is) “When did the Jews get chosen?”
God:“ About 10,000 years ago.”
Bickford-Smythe: “You have quite the memory, God. How did the Jews get to be chosen?”
God: “I did a random drawing to see which bunch of folks would get the shit kicked out of them about every 50 years or so and the Jews drew the short straw. Have a nice day.”
Boom! Boom!! BOOM!!!
Moral of the Story
When God tells you to “do-it,” you better do it.
“The first to-do list”–I don’t think the ten commandments have ever been looked at that way before!
Rich, my mind works in strange and wondrous ways! I hope…
This should be renamed if Moses had a time machine to 2021 and I’d much rather see you and Don act this whole thing out! 🙂 Please send the Youtube video when that’s ready 😉
I always liked Moses.
U make him so funny and relatable.
I would follow him through any desert, burn my feet to a crisp, and schlep up any mountain. I would carry his commandments while he rests. I would correct any typos. I probably would edit it down to 5 of the best commandments,, since one tablet is easier to carry.
I will learn to like matzah more.
Amy, keep going. great stuff!
Great humor! Wonderful imagination! Truly clever. Thanks a bunch for the laughs.
So glad you enjoyed the “Moses” story! And I’m delighted I gave you some laughs!